A History of Maxwell's Violence
by EnricoMaxwell
Summary: Maxwell had the perfect life... until he became a hero. Can he contain his dark past? WARNING: I X M SMUT INSIDE


It was a hot and boring day. It was hot because the sun was out, and it was boring because the only people currently in the scene were DocKiller and AnderKiller, and they were very boring people. Anyway, AnderKiller sat there really boringly for ten minutes. Then DocKiller walked into this random room and KILLED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE!1?1/11?1 OMG HE IS SO EVIL! EVIL! (IF ONLY A HERO COULD TAKE HIM OUT!) Then AnderKiller went and looked for a little girl from an orphanage and grabbed her by the hair and KILLED HER TOO! BECAUSE HE IS SO EVIL LIKE THAT OMG!1!1! EVIL!

Alugirl screamed. She was Rico Mall's daughter. So, Rico Mall went to see what was the matter.

"What is the matter, my daughter?" said Rico Mall. Sometimes he wondered if his lovely wife cheated on him because their daughter looked nothing like his beautiful perfectly gorgeous self.

"I had a bad dream, daddy!" shrieked Alugirl.

"Don't be silly," Rico laughed in his manly, gentle voice. "There's no such things as bad dreams!"

Then Alugirl's brother, EmoCaptain came in. Sometimes, Rico also wondered if his wife had cheated on him them, because EmoCaptain was so emo and NOT MANLY like his father.

"..." said Captain sympathetically to Alugirl. Then his beauteous wife Integral came in and sat down. They were such a beautiful happy family! (Well, at least the parents were beautiful.)

Anyways, the next morning Rico Mall was being kind to his children by pouring their cereal and milk for them. EmoCaptain was an ungrateful wretch who took away the cereal and milk and threw it all out the window. Rico Mall was hurt and offended, but he said nothing, because he was a man! Then he made out with his wife and went to work and then he worked and then after work they drove home because his wife had something in store for them! WINK

While Rico was waiting around, his obedient wife was getting dressed as his ultimate fantasy - QUEEN FYORA!

Integra came out all in pink. "I can make your WISH come true! WINK WINK!" she trilled. "Who is a NAUGHTY FAERIE!"

"Oh no, Queen Fyora, help, I am in TROUBLE. I need you to SAVE me!" Rico giggled. He spoke in caps because that's how people make sexual innuendo jokes, of course.

"Oh, you naughty boy!" giggled Integral.

"Wow, I didn't realize you were so hot!" screamed Rico Mall.

Then Integral did stuff. Rico Mall definitely enjoyed the stuff! WINK WINK WOW THIS IS SO HOT!

Then Integra did more HAWT STUFF. Then Rico did her up and down sixty times, cuz he was such a sexpot.

Later in the night, they began to speak endearing words to each other.

"I am the luckiest woman in the world," Integral sighed.

"I know you are," Rico sighed back. "I bet your life was born again when you met me."

"Yes it was," Integral said blissfully.

Rico Mall fell asleep and then went to work in the morning. Then it was night. Suddenly, AnderKiller and DocKiller CAME IN! (This is not sexual innuendo!)

"I am a jackass, listen to me talk!" said DocKiller!

"I want coffee!" demanded AnderKiller! Then stuff happened and DocKiller was asking for a sandwich and AnderKiller was throwing things around!

THEY WERE SO EVIL!

DocKiller was asking for directions but we know he's evil and he kills peopple and he wanted to kill Rico Mall and that's WRONG!

So Rico Mall shot them both! In the head! Twice! In one second!

Within minutes, Rico was the local town hero. He was in newspapers, children lined up for 47 hours for his autograph, and old women built shrines to him. But Rico was so humble! Instead of basking in the attention, he went home and graced his family with his glorious presence!

One day, Rico was back at work, trying to get the townspeople to stop kissing his feet, when he looked up and saw Men in Black coming in!

"I am a black man dressed in black," said Will Smith.

"STFU," said Ed Harris. He was all like macho and stuff, or so he thought. Rico Mall was humble and that made him manlier!

"May I help you?" said humble Rico humbly.

"Get me coffee," said Ed Harris, who thought he could order people around just because he thought he was manly.

"Of course," said Rico. Humbly.

Rico humbly went to get the coffee to give to Ed Harris in a humble manner.

"Thanks..." Ed Harris said, "...MAXWELL." He lowered his sunglasses and winked suggestively at Rico.

"I'm sorry, but I don't turn that way," Rico said politely. As the local hero, he had gotten many many "OFFERS", but he turned them all down because he was so brave and noble and loved his beauteous wife so much!

"Sure you don't," sniggered Ed Harris. "MAXWELL."

Rico frowned. Maybe this man had a strange disease, like Turrets' syndrome, except he ended all his sentences with the word "MAXWELL"? He patted Ed Harris comfortingly on the head. "It's ok, we all have handicaps too." Except for himself, but Rico was too humble to mention that!

"Don't play cute with me, MAXWELL," said Ed Harris rudely in a very rude manner. "I know who you are."

"Whoever you think I am," said Rico quietly, "that isn't me!"

"Oh, we both know each other... intimately," said Ed Harris.

"Sick!" said Rico.

"Oh, wait, maybe that was someone else, sorry," said Ed Harris.

There was a pause before Ed Harris spoke again.

"So yeah, I know who you are, MAXWELL," he said. "Don't think I'm stupid. I know you used to work against Millennium and I know them and you because I played a Nazi in that one movie!"

Rico frowned again. "I'm sorry, but you have the wrong man."

Then Integral barged in, driven crazy by her love for her husband! "GET OUT OF HERE!" she screamed at Ed Harris. "LEAVE HIM ALONE! HE'S NOT AN ALIEN!"

"Let me handle this," Rico said, gently taking his hysterical wife aside. Then he turned to Ed Harris. "GET OUT OF HERE! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M NOT AN ALIEN!" he boomed in a large manly voice. Ed Harris and his Random Henchmen were so afraid of that manly voice that they turned around and fled. He hoped they were gone forever, but alas, beauty and heroism like Rico's cannot remain unnoticed!

Rico was undisturbed for approximately 24 hours. Which is a day, for those of you who don't know. He was at his diner when he noticed Ed Harris and his Random Henchmen were driving towards his house!

"Oh, no! They are going to kill my family!" screamed Rico, who ran after them. Then he passed them, and reached his house before they could even get there, ever!

Integral was frightened and even though Rico had sent her telepathic warning signals, she hadn't picked any of it up because she is a fragile woman and she couldn't even begin to comprehend the manly telerepathquests (which are telepathic requests for those of you who don't know) that a manly MALE BEING like Rico could so easily give out!

Ed Harris and his henchmen were so afraid of Rico's SUPA SPEED that they drove off in the other direction. EmoCaptain was so impressed with his father that he tried to be like him at school, but as anyone who has tried it will tell you, being Rico should not be tried by anyone other than professionals - namely, Rico. Otherwise, great injury could happen. And as it happened, EmoCaptain did cause great injury. That fag!

In the meantime, Ed Harris was a coward, so instead of stalking Rico, he decided to stalk weak little girls like Integral and Alugirl instead, who were shoe shopping.

"OMG SHOES!" squealed Alugirl in an annoying robotic manner.

Integral was all, "Yeah, whateva," because she secretly hated her daughter but didn't want to admit it. Then she looked up and noticed her daughter was gone and she felt bad for having wished that her daughter would die!

Integral ran around with no shoes, screaming for Alugirl, who turned out to be eating some shoes in the corner.

"Alugirl!" cried Integral.

"You should watch your daughter more carefuly, LOL," said Ed Harris! OMG!

"Don't tell me what to do!" Integra screamed. "I won't watch her if I don't want to!"

"I'm not here to harm her," said Ed Harris. "I just want you to ask your husband a few questions. Ask him why he left Rome. Ask him how he likes his new life. Ask him how his hair got that pretty. But most importantly, ask how he learned to kill so well."

"Oh, that's easy!" Integral laughed. "It's because he's so wonderful!" What a good wife she was!

She ran straight home to tell Rico all about it, but he was busy yelling at EmoCaptain! Who deserved it! And more!

Integral waited obediently like she should for her husband and ruler, but she didn't get a chance to talk because EmoCaptain ran out, and then suddenly Ed Harris was there!

"I think we need to talk," said Ed Harris, RUDELY to Rico. Then he pulled out EmoCaptain. What a retard, what kind of teenager gets kidnapped as if they were a five year old! EmoCaptain was definitely adopted!

"How could you!" Rico shouted, slapping EmoCaptain across the face.

";;" said Captain.

"Sorry's not good enough!" Rico shouted back. The nerve of that boy!

"RAGE!" said Ed Harris. "Listen to ME! Come back to Rome with us, MAXWELL, or you will NEVER SEE YOUR SON AGAIN!"

"Thank goodness," said Rico. "Plz take him."

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Integral hysterically. "PLEASE MY SOOOOOOON MY SOOOOOOOOON!" (She was saying "my son" for those of you that don't know.) Rico felt bad for her because he loved her so much, so he agreed to put down his gun. Ed Harris released EmoCaptain.

"Come to the car, WINK WINK!" he said.

"Ok," Rico said, taking a step forward. "...

... JAY KAY!" he shouted, lunging forward and dropkicking all ten random henchmen at once and shooting everyone down except for Ed Harris in .000001 seconds OMG!

Ed Harris was a cheater and he alone stood against Maxwell! I mean, Rico! Rico was outnumbered and was going to deal with Ed Harris last, but of course Ed Harris was cheating and stuff and was trying to shoot Rico, when EmoCaptain fell on a gun and accidentally set it off, killing Ed Harris!

Rico was covered in Ed Harris gore, and he was so shocked that he hugged his son, to show him that everything was okay.

Then Rico fainted because he's man enough to faint! He ended up in the hospital thinking about his darling wife when she barged in!

"IS IT TRUE!" she sobbed BITTERLY. "Do you REALLY import your shampoo from Rome because YOU USED TO LIVE THERE!"

"My life was born again when I met you!" Rico sobbed back (in a manly, dramatic manner of course). "I forgot about that other life!"

"BUT ARE YOU MAXWELL!" Integral demanded. What an impertinent wench! If Rico could've gotten out of bed, he would have slapped her for her insubordination. But he was munificent, so he tried to be patient.

"Yes," he whispered. "I used to be... MAXWELL."

"BRLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHFLKJLKJFDLKSJALKFJLKDJARTOEIU!" said Integral as she ran to the bathroom and VOMITED WITH RAGE.

"Oh no," Rico said, feeling bad. "I've returned her to her anorexic sinful ways!"

"BARLHFLDSKAJ BOO HOO BOO HOO!" sobbed Integral.

"I thought I killed Maxwell!" Rico sobbed back. "I took him to the desert and killed him! I was like, yo Maxwell, you gotta die! Priesthood is just not for you! It's a crime to be celibate when you're as hot as you are! So I took a gun, and I shot my shadow, and Maxwell was like 'oh no!' and I was like 'die bastard' and Maxwell was like 'urghhhhh gurgle' and I was like 'die die die for Integral!' and Maxwell was like 'ok' and I was like 'whoa' and then Maxwell was like 'I die' and I was like 'you got served, fool' and then Maxwell died and then a camel ate his guts."

"WTF" said Integral. She was too stupid to understand!

"I... I can't look at you anymore!" screamed Integral. "I married a Catholic! Think of our children! OUR CHILDREN!"

Then she ran out. And Rico was hurt. He threw away everything to be with Integral, and she understood nothing! NOTHING! He was Rico now! Maxwell was dead!

Rico went home later to apologize, and EmoCaptain was there and he deliberately ignored his father! What a rude child! He ran off, and Rico hoped that EmoCaptain would get kidnapped one more time. He almost wished Ed Harris was alive again!

Rico soon found his wife and chased her up the stairs, but she let fly a flying kick and got her foot in his mouth. The nerve! Luckily, since he was a manly man, girl kicks did nothing to him. He slapped her back to show that ho her place! Then she sobbed and tried to punch him, flailing her arms around and smacking him in his beautiful face. How dare she! He held her by her pretty white neck and began to choke her, but she suddenly gasped.

"Oh my, Rico, you are so HAWT!" she said.

"Why thank you, I kno--" began Rico, but before he could finish, Integral had kissed him, because no one can be in such close vicinity to Rico and resist kissing him! He just emanates that much sexiness! Then Integral did hawt dirty stuff for a long time. On the STAIRS. (AUTHOR'S NOTE: OMG I AM SO NAUGHTEE! TEE HEE)

Then afterwards, Integral went into "weepy denial mode" that females usually like to do, and slapped Rico and ran away.

Rico was unphased, because he knew it was only a matter of time before Integral came back - she could not resiste Teh Rico!1

Then eht ephone rang and Rico was like "what" and then he was all "omg my brother!" because it was his brother. Then Rico had to drive to see his brother and he drove for 17 hours.

His brother lived in a really nice church, which Rico could have had, but he gave it up for Integral. How noble he was, and how ungrateful she was!

"I missed you!" sobbed his brother, Ronaldo, who kept hugging him and trying to make out with him with his forehead.

"I'm not a fag!" Rico chided.

"But I thought you and Ed Harris-- never mind," said Ronaldo. Then because he was also in such close vicinity to Rico, he kissed him too! But because Rico had Anti-Incest-Gay Protection +9, Ronaldo just managed to kiss his neck.

"Why did you leave, MAXWELL?" Ronaldo said sadly, petting his mustache. "You left quite a mess at the Vatican for me to clean up. You hear me? I had to CLEAN UP YOUR MESS!"

"It wasn't my fault they served sloppy joes in the cafeteria that day," Rico complained.

"I CLEANED YOUR MESS AND RONALDO IS NOT HAPPY! AND WHEN RONALDO IS NOT HAPPY PEOPLE DIE YOU HEAR ME!" shouted Ronaldo.

Rico just stared back at him. He knew even Ronaldo couldn't resist his manly glare stare.

Ronaldo swayed. Then he looked away. Ronaldo knew of Rico's secrets but only because he was his brother!

"Kill him," said Ronaldo!

Rico turned to see 239487 ninja pirates come after him, but he was prepared and beat them all! Then he locked Ronaldo out of his own church! HAHAHA!

"HOW COULD YOU!" Ronaldo raged. "I'll kill you! I'LL KILL YOU MAXWELL! Would you desert the cloth like this? YOU BASTARD! MAXWELLLLLL!"

Rico sighed sadly. He hated to do this, but he had to. He flung open the door and shot Ronaldo RIGHT THROUGH THE MUSTACHE. OMG WHAT A GREAT SHOT!

He looked down at Ronaldo's body. "Goodbye, brother," he said nobly. "Maxwell is no more!" Then he got in the car and drove another 17 hours.

When he got home, everyone was having dinner without him! HOW RUDE! Rico stood and stare glared at his family until Alugirl took out a plate and utensils for him.

Rico sat at the table and started eating.

The End


End file.
